morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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