Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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