how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
