i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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