honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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