She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
