Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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