my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
i need to put some appletini on your dick
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
