dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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