In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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