There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I didn't notice because vodka
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
