Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
