I hate all girls vehemently.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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