I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
