im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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