is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
