i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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