I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
