life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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