it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
