my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize