What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
