Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
