It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
