oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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