I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
