My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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