and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
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Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
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hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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