nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
