Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
