apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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