For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
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My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
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Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Drake has all the answers
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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