Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
