Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Randomize
