Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
