I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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