she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
