....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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