I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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