the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
