He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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