I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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