he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
So much rum. So many feels.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
