Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
i think my cat just said my name.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
