I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
