I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
