I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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