I could have mohawked her pubes.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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