my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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