It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
we're so committed to being not committed
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
