You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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