you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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