My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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