I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
