Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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