she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
