The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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