Can i not drive my cunt home
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize